what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
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Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
#catsoftwitter
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Customize Your Wedding.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
for all #parents out there
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.