“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
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*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.