What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
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1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?