What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
You Might Also Like
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Raisins are grape jerky.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
yeah not falling for this one
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Vodka burrito was a success
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
