@lovemydogduck

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

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@rachelle_mandik

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

@dafloydsta

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

@mrjohndarby

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

@djdarrellripley

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

@anerdonfire2

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

@QwertyJones3

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”