What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise


[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes


Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.


[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no


Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!


Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.


GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!


I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”