What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
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My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
This kid will have a bright future.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …