What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
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like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
The devil.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them