What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back