What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
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me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock