What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
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ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts