What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.