What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I only treason on days ending in y
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.