@causticbob

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

@Stellacopter

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

@joejwest

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

@EndhooS

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

@squirrel74wkgn

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

@CobraKeiser

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

@leannuh

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

@HatfieldAnne

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.