@causticbob

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

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@mrjohndarby

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

@theNuzzy

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

@iamvkhil2

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

@david8hughes

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

@pleatedjeans

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

@DennisFarrell

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

@jilltwiss

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

@RickAaron

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

@fillthevacuum

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again