What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
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[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes