What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
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Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Milk Cube
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater