What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
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ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.