What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
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she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Don’t touch that.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.