What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
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centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long