@StinkyGr33n

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

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@TheWidowmakerX

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

@WilliamAder

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

@Tetley6969

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

@audipenny

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

@panmidwest

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

@haley_copeland

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

@gerrieyaki

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

@Death_Buddy

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

@joejwest

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

@Peauxtassium

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.