“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
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I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?