What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
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I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
A drum solo but on your face.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes