@Manda_like_wine

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

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@carlyken

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

@huntigula

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

@traciebreaux

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

@jonnysun

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

@ChrisTrauma

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

@PinkCamoTO

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

@causticbob

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

@murrman5

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

@stevevsninjas

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

@riot4rach

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them