What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
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Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?