What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
You Might Also Like
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
They’re stuck in your pants?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.