What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
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Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[on my way back to the posting caves]
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.