What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
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My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Worst perfume name ever.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
This fish is cracking me up
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
i- i did not expect this
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.