What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
You Might Also Like
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Breaking news:
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what