“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Become ungovernable.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.