“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.