What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Mornin. * use accordingly
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda