Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
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dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Whoa… oh I see lol
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
The point of your 20s
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg