when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
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Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”
When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.