“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
How to wake up a Beagle
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.