“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Planet of the Apps.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
After 35, your body ages in dog years