What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
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asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.