What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
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My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.