What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”


…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

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She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well


*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*


It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.


A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.


HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”


A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.


Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago


When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.


At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.