What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
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Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
R.I.P.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Plant care tips
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.