She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves