@lmwortho

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

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@rasm69

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

@_NTFG_

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@POTerritory

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

@lynyrdsbackyard

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

@

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

@dubstep4dads

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

@canadasandra

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.