What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
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Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Gemma Correll
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Air conditioning – not a fan
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.