What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late