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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

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@dru0887

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

@TheBoydP

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

@Halbeerz

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

@BlindChow

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

@ImSoFrancis

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

@abbycohenwl

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

@jordan_stratton

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

@PaperWash

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

@Slade

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds