What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?