No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds