what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
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BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
she has a point
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
This came to me in a dream.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it