what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
You Might Also Like
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
ok like just. call me at this point
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.