what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
blocked.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.