what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward