“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
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Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.