“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
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How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.