“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
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[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
The fall of Netflix
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.