What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
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friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
nice challenge
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.