“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
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When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Fries, not lies.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]