What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
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Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.