“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
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Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.