“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
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[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm