“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
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Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
haha same
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.