what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally